Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Grief is ugly

I looked in the mirror today, and what I saw shocked me. I almost didn't recognize myself. It's not a vanity thing. Although I've been plenty guilty of being vain. It is France, after all. It's a grief thing.
I look now like I looked the first 6 months (okay 18 months) after we moved here. Jeans, t-shirt, no make up, crappy hair. And I was out in public.
I am grieving. And I look like it.
I am sad. More than I could have EVER imagined. But I think it's okay to be sad.
Every now and then I get an anonymous commenter on here who tells me I'M GOING TO HELL because I'm sad. They say that being sad means I'm not trusting God's plan for my life. Yeah? That's crap.
So I'm going to be sad. And in the midst of that sadness I'm going to rejoice in the beauty and the amazing friendships of my life here.
And if I go to hell for that, then that's messed up.
Isn't that right, Kerri?


Teal said...

You tell 'em, Megs!

Natalie Holmyard said...

Hi M, wait until you read that book "Shattered Dreams", then you will know absolutely that God is in the pain - in fact, he requires us to go deep into it - not numb it, ignore it or pretend it isn't there. How foolish of any body to suggest otherwise. I am so proud to have you as my friend, one who isn't afraid to say "I am sad". Love you M, Nat. xoxoxoxo

Anonymous said...

This sadness is a gift from God. When it leaves something will replace it and you will have valuable experience to share with us all.
Nancy P

robin in alabama said...

Sometimes this grief never ends. I grew up in Africa as a MK and then lived in Italy as an adult. Looking forward to the day to return home. We hope to make Europe home again in the next 5 years. Many of my friends here in the states cannot understand why here is not enough, and I can not explain it. The book the "3rd Cultured Kid" helped me and maybe you can help your daughters wade through the feeling of being a child without a place to call home, and not fitting in. They will feel guilty that America is no longer home. Love you and do not feel bad about the grief. It is a real feeling of loss and I will pray for I know your pain is real. God will sustain you.

Anonymous said...

Hello sad lady. You are beautiful. Your heart is beautiful in it's grief, It shows how much you love. I am looking forward to having you in the states. I am more likely to get to see your beautiful, sweet, sad eyes and hug you this way. Miss you sweet friend. Hang on lil tomato...Take care of yourself,lovie. H

Julie said...

I don't even know if you remember me, but I just ran across your blog through Teal's FB postings. I just wanted to give you a few words of encouragement that I have heard in the past year. It comes from Beth Moore who, in her study The Inheritance, said that God knows that it hurts to be us. He knows our pain and sorrow. I think that it's comforting to know that He understands us even when we don't understand ourselves. She also said that God never wastes a hurt. So whatever the next step for you is, God is developing your muscles so that you can stand up to the enemy and bring glory to Him.

May God richly bless your life - Julie Cannon

kerri said...

oh friend. i love you so much. i love how you are always so beautifully honest. i totally agree that i think it's ok, and actually good, to be sad. i think people are afraid to feel the weight of their emotions, so they avoid things like sadness. yesterday i felt so sad about leaving, and so i just laid there for an hour and let myself be sad, and knew that jesus was in it with me. it would have been much easier to avoid the sadness by throwing myself into something and keeping busy, but i didn't. and i didn't feel any better afterward. but i think that what i needed was to just feel what i was feeling. i love that you are being honest about who you are and embracing what you are feeling. and that you're recognizing that the sadness is because of the loss of something good and beautiful that God has blessed you with, and rejoicing in the blessing. you are amazing! love you, kerri